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Editor Fired for Gross Incompetance


Written by Joe Krzyston

Effective next issue, David Hall, longtime editor of the Roanoke College Brackety-Ack, will be fired from the paper for reasons related to gross incompetence. Sources close to the disgraced editor say the move has been a long time coming, and indeed some on the staff of the paper are surprised that the conclusion took this long to reach. 

“This probably should have happened a long time ago” opined section editor Emma Grosskopf, who is slated to take over as editor next semester. “I mean, it was actually like the paper just ran itself for a full year, which is actually sort of incredible when you think about it. Seriously, it was a real testament to the skill of the writers and staff people who ran the thing while David was basically wasting everybody’s time and making life harder for us all.”

Hall, who lives in a weird house on top of a hill, is a hard man to get ahold of for an interview. Eventually, we managed to track him down and contact him for one. When we did, it became clear that he’d been living for months as a total recluse. His hair was radically different than it had been when last we’d spoken, his beard was effortlessly full, and his surroundings were in disarray. He led us to the back yard, a foreign postindustrial wasteland strewn with bottles, cans, boxes, and assorted detritus, much of which had been burnt far past any point of recognition. We sat down in decaying lawn chairs, and he offered me a can of an odd regional soda that I’d never heard of before. I declined. 

“Yeah man,” said Hall, “I actually forget I still technically have that paper gig. It was cool for a little bit, but I’ve mostly been ripping on the guitar nowadays, and that can get super time consuming. Also, I’ve been reading up on postmodernism and the way we develop our societal constructs, and I’m not entirely convinced that the newspaper is real anymore, you know? I mean, think about this- you ever seen the news and the newspaper in the same place?” 

Officials with the paper say they’ve got a long road ahead of them as they try to rebuild both the trust of the readers and the integrity of the paper. Of course, even without Hall in the way, massive challenges loom for the paper, chief among them being the profound dullness of life on campus.

“You know,” said Grosskopf, contemplatively, “that is something you can say about David. Whatever the hell it was he was doing, it wasn’t boring.” 

**Editorial Note- We mock the ones we love the most, and David, therefore, is a prime candidate. Of course, he makes the mockery easy, but it’s always great fun. Indeed, David has made the last few years a lot more enjoyable, and as editor of the Brackety-Ack, he led the paper with vision, integrity, and a soundness of judgement uncommon among his peers. He has also provided a home to my weird, half-funny take on campus life, and for that, I’m more grateful than I’d ever let on. For that, and for so much else, the campus community and I are undoubtedly grateful. Godspeed, you beautiful fool. 

SGA President Ousted in Nonviolent Bloodless Coup


Written by Joe Krzyston

In a turn of events widely expected for quite some time, SGA President Leah Weinstein has been ousted in a bloodless coup. Ms. Weinstein has been clinging to power for months through ruthlessness and intimidation. Though once seen as a formidable, even indomitable political opponent, her grasp on her position has grown more and more tentative, as a coalition has formed around her removal from office. 

“It’s odd,” said a coalition leader, “how such an outrageous abuse of power can also serve as a point of unity among so many.” Indeed, the coalition was broad, consisting of students from all walks of life, aided by faculty, staff, and concerned citizens of the Roanoke valley, who were worried that Ms. Weinstein might make use of eminent domain laws to seize their land for nefarious purposes. Indeed, in an annual survey of landowners in the area, Leah Weinstein was listed just behind the Mountain Valley Pipeline as a concern regarding the integrity of their land. 

With Ms. Weinstein’s reign of terror now effectively over, fair and free elections have been allowed to proceed, the results which have surely been covered elsewhere in the paper. As the school settles back to normal after a tumultuous year, this reporter wondered what comes of a tyrant after the dust settles. How will our very own Napoleon spend her time on St. Helena? We asked her about her plans post-tyranny, and after the swearing subsided, we managed to get a committed response. 

“I’ll be back, believe me. I don’t know exactly how. Shucks, I don’t even know exactly why, but you’d better believe it. This school very certainly hasn’t seen the last of me.” When asked about her plans in the meantime, she shrugged her shoulders, looked out of the window of the ancient prison in which she is entombed (Wells 2, if we’re being specific), and pondered for a moment before answering. “You know, I’m not all the way sure. I do miss the high life, the intensity and thrill of power, the rush I got paling around with the trustees, squashing internal dissidence, and generally overseeing my preserve.” Then she looked up, a ray of golden sunlight illuminating her face, which was framed perfectly between a Hillary Clinton poster and a Manchester United scarf (her support of the team being an offence arguably worse than any other). “At the same time, it’s been a long time since I’ve caught up on Scandal, kicked the soccer ball around, or really done anything for me. It’s hard work being a tyrant, but it’s also hard work just being a gal, too. So who knows.” She sat for a moment, contemplatively, until the sun was blocked out by a cloud. Her expression turned once again sinister, and she bid me adieu with a promise that whatever she did next would be bigger and better than anything she’d ever done before. You know something? I believe her. 

**Editorial Note- Leah Weinstein is a dear friend of mine for a number of reasons, chief among them being her sense of humor. Many thanks, Leah, your service to the school, your friendship, and your support and encouragement (this article was your idea, after all!) as I depict you as a bloodthirsty tyrant in the pages of our newspaper. We’ve all been honored to know you, and we’re all excited to see what comes next. Bon voyage, mon ami. 

High Achieving Student Too Busy for Class


Written by David Hall

SALEM – Junior Emily Resume, announced on Tuesday that she is “just too darn busy for learning,” in an unprecedented move that stunned both professors and peers alike.

In a press release, Resume stated that the pressures from being in six organizations are just too much to actually receive the education that she is here to get. Readings from a French philosopher? Classes taught by experts in their field who’ve worked for decades to get where they are now? Sorry, they’ll just have to take a backseat.

“There’s really just too much on my plate,” said Resume while taking an interview during a class covering Oedipus Rex amongst other Greek works about human fallibility.. “I mean, if I don’t send this email in class about snack assignments for my pointless club’s next meeting, the world will absolutely fall apart!”

Resume is the president of three organizations, the secretary for two, and the treasurer for one. As president of “Students for Perspective,” she coordinates events that help ordinary students see beyond the trivial nonsense of their daily lives. She’s also president of “Some Weird Honors Society,” whose website describes their mission as “to foster, a more worldly, well rounded resume that’s sure to knock the socks off of any dipshit grad school admissions counselor with a $20 bill nestled in their back pocket.” With these responsibilities and more, Resume can’t help but forget to do literally any actual learning.That’s not all. According to Resume, these “useless” studies won’t even help her in the “real world” anyway. 

“I’m here to get a motherf$%#ing job, bro,” said Resume. “And I’m pretty sure there’s not a lot money in learning about the lost humanism in modernity or whatever. So why don’t you just step off, eh?”

Professor Claudia Archetype is an expert in Buddhism with a PhD from Duke, said she’s not surprised by Resume’s decision.

“At least she had the guts to say what all these other fakers have been thinking,” said Archetype. “You know how many kids were playing solitaire in my class yesterday? 3. I went to school for 10 years to stand in front of these mouth breathers and they don’t even have the courtesy to hold in their farts during our meditation exercises.” 

RC Spotlight: Eli Sumpter


Written by Shamira James:

There’s one thing we can all agree on as Roanoke College students – we’re all busy as heck. Whether it’s social clubs, on campus jobs or just simply trying to keep our grades up we’re all no strangers an active life. Student athletes know this busy life all too well, not only do they have the responsibilities of your average RC student but they also have all the hard work and time dedication it takes to be a part of  *Elijah Wilhelm voice* your Roanoke College Maroons.

Though Eli Sumpter, an RC senior and two-sport athlete, would presumably get overwhelmed with everything on his plate, Sumpter says “it gets hectic sometimes with baseball and basketball, but I enjoy every minute of it.” It does leave everyone to wonder how does one actually balance everything that comes their way in college like classwork, extracurriculars and a social life. While sometimes it is a little straining, Eli says he “always has time for friends, and just works a little harder to make time for homework” and in an ideal world where he had a weekend to himself, he would enjoy nothing more than down time with the boys and relaxing.

As basketball team captain, Eli has been endowed with a leadership role of the team and is able to see areas of great strength and also areas that may need a little more improvement. Sumpter says “we are a young team but we’ve have shown a lot of promise, the biggest thing is stay focused and stay on track”. Being the team captain also means a lot of self-reflection, Eli remembers his freshman year on the court, and since then his biggest improvement has just been maturing with the team and the game itself: “As a senior I can kind of guide people the right direction and keep everything positive”. This seems to be a very crucial role with a team of 16 players, 9 of which are freshman, but Eli is hopeful for the season and has this advice for the freshman: “Don’t get discouraged because it is a big adjustment. You’re all shaping up, working hard and showing a lot of improvement.”

Having been here for four years, Eli has some preferences on professors, commons food and other RC related things. Being a business major, Sumpter has had mostly all professors from that department, but says that hands-down Dr. Hagadorn is his favorite. While he misses out on some meals in Commons because of his busy schedule, he was definitely in favor of the Thanksgiving meal, the locally grown meal, and the true classic General’s Chicken.

When it’s all said and done, Eli will be graduating in May and returning to his home in Charlottesville, VA where he’s most looking forward to having more free time where he can spend time with his family and have some much deserved down time. Check the Roanoke Maroons website to find out when Eli and the entire star-studded team are playing next!

Holla If You Hear Me: Courtside Manners


Written by Emma Grosskopf

Basketball season would be nothing without a crowd, and most of the crowd in Cregger is made up of procrastinating students who should be studying for finals or preparing presentations for INQ classes that make us want to rip out our hair. While cheering on our basketball teams is an admiral pastime when you should be doing other work, there are a couple dos and don’ts associated with hollering until you’re hoarse at an RC basketball game. 

DO: Get familiar with the opposing team

There are programs provided at nearly every basketball game, so pick one up and use it to call out opposing players by name. This makes your friendly jab seem a little more personal.

DON’T: Insult a player’s family

Go ahead, insult a player’s game, their hairline or even their uniform, but making comments about a player’s family is always unnecessary. 

DO: Check the ref’s eyesight before the game

The best way to do this is by performing an eye exam before the game begins, but if that isn’t possible, simply shouting “ARE YOU BLIND?” at the referees usually gets the job done. 

DON’T: Use hateful, sexually explicit or racist speech.

This one explains itself. Don’t direct comments at a player’s gender or race, and don’t harass our opponents sexually. Just be a decent human being. Seriously, telling someone they have bad hair goes a long way. 

DO: Be creative with your props

Whether you have a creative sign, noisemakers, or Blaha’s rubber chicken, props are a great way to encourage our teams to perform their best. 

DON’T: Cheer when a player gets injured

This goes along with being a decent human being. If you cheer when a player, any player, gets injured, you need to be ejected immediately. 

DO: Sit in the student section!

The student section has a goal to unify the student presence at games and show school spirit. Sit courtside and cheer for our Maroons, chirp the opponents, and have a good time. The louder, the better. 

Roanoke Track and Field Opens their Season at the Bast-Cregger Invitational


Written by Caleb Childress:

The Roanoke men’s and women’s track and field team began their five-month long competitive season last Friday, December 1st, at the Bast-Cregger Center. The Bast-Cregger Invitational featured many of the Maroons’ ODAC rivals and several other Division III colleges in the region. The team fared well in their opening meet.

The meet started off with the women’s field events. Junior Elizabeth Knudsen came in seventh place for the weight throw competition. In the triple jump, Freshman Bailey Parks came in fifth place and she also came in eighth place for the long jump. In the running events, the 4 x 200-meter relay team with Tatiana Cherry-Santos, Emily Ball, Claire Aurand, and Alison Moreau finished in third place with a time of 1:50; which subsequently set a new school record. 

In the 60-meter dash, Freshman Quinn Harlan finished in first place with a time of 7.81 seconds. Just behind Harlan, Sophomore Claire Aurand finished in fifth with a time of 8.02 seconds. Finally, the women’s events finished up with the 4 x 400-meter team coming in sixth place with a time of 4:38.  

The men’s team also showed impressive results across the board.Senior Mykal Dawkins won the 500-meter with a time of 1:09. In the pole vault, Freshman Corbin Turner placed third and Sophomore Dillon Kopec placed fourth. The 4 x 400-meter team made up by Micah Ray, Mykal Dawkins, Aaron Rogers and Julian Edwards placed third with a time of 3:31. For the throwing team, Sophomore Kaleb Bland placed seventh in the shot put and Senior Lucas Jones placed 12th. 

Next month, the Maroons are traveling to the Virginia Military Institute on January 19th to compete in their season’s next meet: the Keydet Invitational. 

Deck the Halls with Basketball


Written by Emma Grosskopf

The beginning of the winter sports cycle means the kickoff of the RC basketball seasons. The RC men’s and women’s teams have played their first games and are getting into the rhythm of their respective seasons, with many games to go.

Returning for the RC women’s team is senior guard Allison Yeaw, as well as junior forward Victoria Maxwell and several sophomore guards, including Chris Martin and Kenzie Collyer. These are just a couple of the returning players on an overall young team: on a team of 17 athletes, nine of them are freshmen, and Yeaw is the only senior.

The women’s season has gotten off to a bit of a rocky start due to several losses to Ferrum, Piedmont and Birmingham Southern, but the team rallied for a 79-65 win against Salem on Nov. 21, followed up by another win against Bridgewater. On Tuesday, the women’s team lost a tough game against Washington and Lee, but they play again tonight at 7 p.m. in the Cregger Center against Southern Virginia.

The men’s team is made up of several top returners as well, such as two seniors: guard Eli Sumpter and forward Joey Miller, as well as juniors forward Josh Freund and guard CJ Miles. The team is also seeing newcomers such as Jeremy Littlejohn in the post, as well as guard Douglas Elks.

The men’s season started with victories in the Dick Leftwich tournament on the weekend of Nov. 18, against both Bluffton and North Carolina Wesleyan, which ended with an RC victory in overtime to allow the team to win the tournament. These victories were followed by wins against William Peace and Greensboro, but the winning streak ended on Nov. 29 with a loss against Randolph-Macon and another loss last weekend at Methodist. Wednesday saw a big victory at Randolph, and the men’s team play again in an away game on Saturday at 2 p.m

Released: 2018 Grammy Nominees


Written by Madalyn Chapman

The complete list of the 2018 Grammy nominees has been released!

Jay-Z is leading the pack of nominees this year with eight different nominations that include album of the year, best rap album, record of the year, and song of the year. Kendrick Lamar follows close behind him with seven nominations, and Bruno Mars is in third place this year. SZA, with nominations in five different categories, is the female artist with the most nominations.

The nominees for Song of the Year are as follows: “Despacito”, performed by Luis Fonsi and Daddy Yankee and featuring Justin Bieber, “4:44,” performed by Jay-Z, “Issues,” performed by Julia Michaels, “1-800-273-8255,” performed by Logic and featuring Alessia Cara and Khalid, and “That’s What I Like,” performed by Bruno Mars.

This year is the first year ever where not a single white artist was nominated for album of the year. (Very different from the Oscars, no?) The nominees for this category are Childish Gambino, Kendrick Lamar, Lorde, and Bruno Mars.

Another category that is sure to have an interesting result is category sixty-one, or Best Song Written for Visual Media. “City of Stars” from La La Land, written by Justin Hurwitz, Benj Pasek & Justin Paul and “How Far I’ll Go” from Moana, written by Lin-Manuel Miranda, have both been nominated.

The Grammys air on CBS on Jan. 28.

Harry Styles Concert Ruined by Near-Nudity


Written by Emma Grosskopf

There I was, making a very uncharacteristic move watching the 2017 Victoria’s Secret Fashion Show. 

As I was watching, I was thinking, why are there girls in underpants ruining this Harry Styles concert?

Be that as it may, I never watch the show. Seriously. I feel like I have moral reasons against watching a bunch of skinny girls, in underwear parade around to catchy hit songs.

While watching, I was asking myself a few questions. Why do women watch this? 

Sophomore Alexandra Gautier said that she never watches the shows.“It’s not practical underwear, and I also think that it gives off a very negative body image,” said Gautier. 

Setting aside the fact that I am poor, I would never buy a fishnet catsuit or a garter belt that attached to my thigh-high boots. Putting aside my prejudices against girls (that are skinnier than me) walking around with their bouncy hair (looking prettier than me) in underpants (that I’m too broke to even think about buying), I guess I can see why women might put up with being tortured.

Junior Kiah Coflin said, “I’m obsessed with Victoria’s Secret. I think that it’s a form of entertainment, you know, with the entertainers performing while the models are walking. You get to see the wings that cost hundreds and hundreds of dollars to create, the boots that were hand painted. I think it’s art.”

Looking objectively, I guess it is art. The detailed embroidery on some of the pieces, along with the makeup and the accessories, the whole thing really is just art. I mean, it’s art that makes me want to stop eating tendies and fries and spend all of my time in the gym, but art nonetheless.

I really do believe that it boils down to one key point that is always easy for us to forget: These girls, some of them even younger than us, get paid to work out constantly, go on extreme diets and maintain their impossibly svelte physiques. We are not lingerie models, and most of us will never walk in a fashion show, but we are still going to get somewhere. It just won’t be the end of a runway, and that’s okay.

MythBusters: Like a Virgin


Written by Shamira James

On average, young adults are having sex 127 times a year. Our generation has seemingly pioneered “hook-up culture”, where sex is more common and casual. Many of us have lived and even grown up in this culture, so we are conditioned to believe it. People have these preconceived notions when you tell them you’re still a virgin, but what’s even worse are the asinine questions. Let’s address it for once and all and debunk some of these “mysteries” for all inquirers.

“Do you ever even think about sex?” – Yes, just as much as “normal people” do. Just because I’ve never done  the actual act, that definitely doesn’t mean a girl can’t dream.

“So, do you ever…have urges?” – OF COURSE I DO! And I handle them the old-fashioned way; a little self-love and some TLC.

“You must think I get around a lot!” – Not at all. As long as you’re having fun and being safe in whatever you are (or are not) doing, then I look to the Isley Brothers’ classic and say, “it’s your thing, do what you wanna do”.

“Should we leave? We don’t want you to get uncomfortable!” – I’ve definitely learned enough about reproduction, taken enough sex-ed classes and lived in the 21st century long enough to be unbothered by most kiss-and-tell stories, so spill the tea! 

“So, you’ve never done anything?” – Let’s say this: I haven’t been to the inner city of Pound Town, but I’ve visited the suburbs a few times.

“Do boys just intimidate you?” – HECK NO! If I was intimidated by boys, I would never go out with, talk to or even look at them. But for me, just because I’m interested doesn’t mean I’m always open for business.

“So, do you ever want to do it?” – Yes, obviously, but that’s not the big end goal for me. Contrary to popular belief, I’m not losing sleep waiting for someone to have sex with me, but I’m also not a prude about it.

“So, why are you still a virgin?” – While most people assume my apprehension comes from some religious upbringing or familial influence, believe it or not, I’ve chosen to live my life and I’m perfectly content. I respect people who think sex should be between two people who love each other, but I also respect those who think otherwise, but neither of those ideals concern me. I know I’ll be ready when I’m with someone who makes me comfortable, makes me feel like I can trust them and makes me feel like I didn’t make a mistake. I’ll know when the time is right, and that time just hasn’t happened yet. 

RC Theatre Presents Comedy “Scapin”


Written by Emma Grosskopf and Shamira James

The auditorium in Olin Hall was transformed into 17th century Paris for the RC Theatre production of “The Trickeries of Scapin,” a comedy in a traditional Italian theatrical format that ran from Nov. 15 until Nov. 18. 

This performance, performed in three acts, was unique due to its improvised dialogue and unique characters. Many of the characters wore masks that were created solely for the production, detailed masks that conveyed physical characteristics and the specific personalities of each character. 

Senior Brian Kerr, who attended the second showing of the performance, said that he was very impressed with the cast. “I thought it was great. I was really glad to come out and check out what these students are doing, it’s awesome to see,” Kerr said. 

Sophomore Ryan Haden, who played the part of Scapin, chalked the stellar performance up to hard work at rehearsals and a commitment to having fun. “It was a really great crowd. I’m always pleased if the audience seems to enjoy it, and there were a couple technical difficulties, but we improvised through it, so it’s fine,” Haden said. 

The rehearsal process for the cast of “Scapin” was tedious. “We were here five nights a week, from 7 p.m. to 10 p.m.,and most nights even later than 10. It was constant running and running and changing things every night, and for me especially, since I have so many lines,” Haden said. 

Overall, the performance was spectacular and unique, and it brought a whole different vibe to the audience. “If everybody gets into it together, and we are interacting with the crowd, everyone will get a lot out of it,” Haden said. 

New Brewery Opens Downtown on Main


Written by David Hall

With a logo reminiscent of the city’s seal and a name like Olde Salem Brewing Company, it’s clear the new establishment on has some stake in their chosen community. Along with 2 other partners, Salem-born Sean Turk is the owner of the brewery which recently had its opening day November 21st.

At about 15 barrels a week, the brewing company is making just enough to serve its in-house customers. Brewmaster Kevin Campbell has no formal education in brewing, but has gained experience over the years working in such local establishments like Big Lick Brewery in Roanoke and Bull and Bones in Blacksburg as well being an avid homebrewer.

For the first batch, Campbell roles out a few old standards in craft beers. Their beer list, 7 beers long, contains a kolsch, two porters, and an in-your-face IPA with 126 IBUs. A local real estate salesman, Turk said he wanted to invest in the community because of his roots as well as the revitalization happening downtown.

I was born here and my family has a lot of ties here in Salem,” said Turk. “My dad was the finance director for the city for 45 years. [There’s a] strong sense of community and there’s a lot for good stuff happening here, a lot of positive momentum.” 

That momentum shows no signs of slowing down. In the past few years, new businesses have been opening along main street. Olde Salem brewing company is the newest addition, but not the last. Developers from Roanoke are renovating the old theater on college and main to be a boutique hotel. 

McGill, RC honor those “Behind the Big House”


Written by Emily Searles

In an effort to provide agency for those enslaved who served the Monterey house, Roanoke college brought Joseph McGill, a public historian, in a major turning point in highlighting the importance of the college’s preservation project. 

McGill, founder of the Slave Dwelling Project, travels across the country sleeping in slave dwellings to bring attention to preserving structures like the one behind Monterey.  His larger goal is to preserve the slave dwellings still dotting our current landscape so that we can hear the unheard stories of the enslaved who lived in them and recognize the importance of their labor to the built 

scape.  As slave quarters are reclaimed, restored, and repurposed, the stories within their walls must be recorded and shared so that we can understand the impact that the institution of chattel slavery has had, and continues to have, on our nation. 

In 1853, the Monterey House was constructed for Salem merchant Powell Huff, but “Behind the Big House” an untold story lies. Ned, Sarah, John, Mahaly, Ellen, Josephine, Judy, Mary, Martha, Taylor, Morris, Tucker, Jim and Lewis are the names of the enslaved people who most likely lived in the four room, two-story brick structure behind Monterey. 

Over McGill’s stay, many voices were heard across campus and around the campfire discussing the legacies of slavery. A Black Lives Matter Forum was held where McGill joined two history faculty members, Dr. Rosenthal and Dr. Bucher, in addressing many social and political issues facing our country. This informative discussion allowed for open dialogue between students and faculty alike. 

The conversation continued as Joseph McGill joined members of the INQ 300 Historic Preservation class, and other students from Roanoke College’s Historical Society and Office of Multicultural Affairs around the fire for s’mores on the west lawn of the slave dwelling. This teaching moment between students and a preservation expert allowed for a better understanding of the mission and purpose of the slave-dwelling project as something much greater that the physical reclamation of slave dwellings. 

 It is ultimately Joseph McGill’s goal to aid in repairing race relations in the United States.  The intimate setting and the introductions everyone in attendance gave as to why they came to hear about the project allowed for an open and very real discourse about how current race relations in the United States impact students today.   

The Historic Preservation class and other interested students joined Joseph McGill overnight in the Monterey Quarters reclaiming the space and highlighting the need of other college campuses to preserve slave quarters alongside Roanoke College. On Saturday, the effort continued as members from the Salem community and the wider Roanoke Valley communities came together to support the restoration effort through a robust schedule of events.  Everyone enjoyed formal presentations by Joseph McGill on the Slave Dwelling Project and former Roanoke College History professor, Kelley Deetz, on slave cooks in eighteenth and nineteenth-century Virginia.  Jerome Bias, a specialist in slave foodways, gave a cooking demonstration and professional storyteller Dontavius Williams told the inspiring story of “Adam,” a slave separated from his mother as a child when his Virginia owner sold him south to work on a plantation in South Carolina.  These events served as a catapult for Roanoke College faculty and administrators to begin a discussion with students, members of the local community, and preservation specialists in the Roanoke Valley as how best to ensure that the slave quarters “Behind the Big House” becomes an actively used and interpreted space where all historical actors will be given a voice. 

Stress Levels Rise as Finals Week Approaches


Bradley Bommarito

As the fall semester comes to an end next Friday, students are faced with a seemingly endless amount of papers to finish, projects to complete, and exams to tackle.  This is a unique point in the academic year where students are studying more and for longer periods of time.  

Examine any course syllabus here at Roanoke College and you’ll notice that final exams are typically weighted at a much higher grading value than other factors such as homework, attendance, and class participation.  Final exams can count as up to nearly half of an overall course grade, especially in math and science courses.  Passing the final exam is often necessary to pass the course.

With the mounting pressure that comes with the arrival of exam week, stress levels are naturally increasing among the student body.  If you can look at yourself in the mirror right now and say that you’re not stressed at all, you’re only fooling yourself.

But stress can be easily managed and reduced.  Maroons are utilizing all sorts of different methods of releasing and even avoiding stress so that they can be their best selves during finals week.

“I usually cope with stress by being mindful of what I’m doing and staying in the moment.  I can only think of one thing at once, so as long as I focus on what I’m doing, I don’t get stressed about other things,” said Casey Wilson.

Some students prefer to release stress through physical activity, which is one of the 

the most commonly recommended stress-busting strategies.

“I cope with stress by doing physical activities like going for a run or to the gym to take my mind off of things for a brief period of time,” said Ellie Schad.

Engaging in physical activity releases endorphins in the brain that promote restful sleep and act as natural painkillers.  Unsurprisingly, exercise is a popular go-to for when times are tough.

“I cope with stress by distracting myself, oftentimes that includes running it out or painting,” said Carly Schepacarter.

Physical activity can not only serve as a way of relieving stress, but it can also bring people together who enjoy the same hobby.

“One of my favorite methods of stress relief is dancing and listening to music. I am part of a new club on campus called ‘Maroon Movement,’ where every Saturday we get together and practice a choreography routine for about two hours and just have fun dancing. Just being able to move to music that I love not only distracts me from the real stress outside of the studio, but listening to the right song can genuinely alleviate it,” said Donovan Hill.

Others prefer more sedentary methods of achieving relaxation and mindfulness.  Listening to music emerges as a common theme.

“I respond to stress by drinking something warm and listening to my favorite bands,” said Hunter Haskins.

When all else fails, sometimes all you need to do is to watch a classic film with your pals.

“I like watching Disney movies with friends,” said Senn Boswell.

If none of the activities described in this article appeal to you, perhaps you should check out Roanoke’s annual Stress Relief Day.  From 11:00 a.m. to 4:00 p.m. this Saturday, the second floor of Colket will become a hub of relaxation.  Activities include free massages, a petting zoo, and the opportunity to make your own stress relief kit (among other things).

After talking about how many stress-relieving options are out there, I forgot what we were even stressed about!  Oh, right….

Olivia Kitt and Others Elected President in Campus Election


Written by David Hall

In an online election, 441 students cast votes for positions that varies from class representatives to an executive board consisting of a president, vice president, secretary, and a treasurer. Sophomore Olivia Kitt came out with a resounding win for President, carrying 67% of the vote to beat second place Crista Waterwiese who polled just under 25%. 

Other winners include Owen Gold as Vice President, Yipeng Wang who will be Treasurer for the second year running, Crista Waterwiese with a narrow win for Attorney General, and Mone Akindale as secretary. 

This years turnout, which amounts to 22% of the student body, is notably lower than last years which pulled around 30% in a contested runoff election for president. The candidates have little more platform to run on than a short paragraph shown to voters right before voting in addition to whatever visual and grassroots campaigning the individual candidates can muster. In a statement echoing words of stronger connections between SGA and those it serves, Kitt boils down her message. 

“Due to my experiences, I have uncovered my motto as a Roanoke College student: Service to Students, Campus, and Community,” says Kitt in a statement. Kitt details each of those goals in the following sentences where she aspires for a government more connected to the student body as well as the greater Roanoke College community at large.

We prompted a few members of the new exec board with the same question: What do you believe is your greatest obstacle in the coming year and how do you intend on addressing it? 

Olivia Kitt, President

Over the last year and half, I have had the opportunity to serve in SGA both as a Senator and Secretary. Serving in these two positions has given me the opportunity to see SGA through different lenses. One thing I started to notice after being on Exec was the amount of people that were unaware of what people were involved and what the duties are of the Student Government. This is an obstacle that I hope to fix with the incoming Executive board this upcoming semester. I plan to create more avenues for students to be involved in SGA whether that be through forums, surveys, committees, or other events. This will allow us to see what the student body wants implemented and in what ways we can fulfill those ideas. They will also be able to keep up with the Student Government’s implementation of these plans through the website and social media. Overall, it is my hope that we increase student engagement in SGA and create change that will enhance our community.

Owen Gold, Vice President

“I believe that the greatest issues facing myself and the 2018 SGA executive board are the same as always: organization and time management. The art of balancing school life with our roles as executive members while simultaneously respecting the time of Senate members and the student body as a whole can be challenging to say the least. Adapting to the organizational structure of Student Government and learning to manage our time effectively are difficult skills to master within only one short year.”

Christa Waterwiese, Attorney General

“SGA’s greatest obstacle in the next year is increasing student awareness on campus. Most students know we have a SGA, but not necessarily what said group actually does. I hear students talk, that they have no voice in what happens at Roanoke. SGA has the power to be the voice of the students and a beacon to those with a desire to act. And I hope we, as a new Executive Board filled with old and new faces, can work hard to promote the organization we love and bring it to new students. That SGA can become an important part of student’s lives and an organization that students turn towards for help. Leading from behind and lifting every student up.”

Whiplash, Nausea


Written by Joe Krzyston

The scene at Health Services this Thursday was frantic, with folks of all stripes clamoring for assistance. Athletes, Greeks and decent students alike were waiting in the lobby for help, with some spilling out onto the sidewalk. 

The cause of their medical distress? Maroon Momentum. 

The unstoppable force has gripped much of the campus since its first mention on helpful pennants that remind students where they go to school. It has long been present on campus, but the 175th anniversary of the college’s founding, and the absolute blitz of promotional material that has accompanied it has only led to its intensification. 

The health issues are linked primarily to the force of the momentum, and its minor inconsistency, which experts believe is related strongly to the performance of the college’s athletic teams, turnout at Mac and Bob’s wing night, and the Roanoke valley’s idiosyncratic weather patterns. When it accelerates and decelerates, some on campus are jarred badly enough to require medical assistance. Conversely, sustained ‘Maroon Momentum’ has been known to make students nauseous in a fashion comparable to a spin on an amusement park ride or a poem written by an especially precious Creative Writing major.

When contacted for comment, administrative representatives said simply that ‘Maroon Momentum’ is “…here to stay, baby! We’re moving very quickly towards something! Specifically, a future, as detailed in our brochures, that is defined by students playing Ultimate Frisbee on the back quad, hiking on the Appalachian Trail, and standing in front of whiteboards covered in mathematical equations. Isn’t that exciting?”

Let’s Say Something



Written by Emma Grosskopf

On a campus as small as ours, rumors spread like the plague, and it’s hard to gauge their source or their truthfulness, but one can’t help but be curious about the hearsay surrounding fraternities.

It’s an interesting relationship. You have the 20% of people on campus involved in Greek life (although sometimes it feels like 75%), the athletes and the “others”. And everyone seems to care, at least a little bit, about their relationship with fraternities.

We either want everyone to know that we are super tight with the brothers in a frat or we want to place as much distance between each other as possible. Either way, fraternities play a huge role in life on the RC campus.

Whether we want them to or not, these groups possess inherent power over the student body.

In today’s social climate, the issue of sexual assault hangs over the heads of every young woman on a college campus. Here at RC, where large groups of young men have power and influence over student life, it shocks me that we, as a collective, aren’t talking about the issue of fraternities and sexual assault.

I may be the only one here, but I’m tired of feeling unsafe. I’m tired of hearing stories of fraternities at other schools who spike drinks at parties or who have initiation rituals involving the terrible treatment of women and wondering if the same happens at RC.

I’m tired of waiting for something to happen.

This school needs to stop acting like this isn’t a problem, because it is. Don’t stand there and say, “It’s not all frats!” 

Show us. Show us that it isn’t all fraternities. Show us that young women have the support of the institutions. Show us that we don’t have anything to be afraid of. 

Men in fraternities: you have a platform. People on this campus care about what you guys have to say. So, SAY SOMETHING. If you are as horrified as we are about the statistics of sexual assault on college campuses, SAY SOMETHING. If you are tired of being associated with hazing or the mistreatment of women, SAY SOMETHING.

If you believe that college women have the right to feel safe when they go to parties, SAY SOMETHING.

Just say something. Speak out about an issue that now, more than ever, is relevant for college students.

Fraternities have power, and people will listen.

SGA President Seen Deleting Emails, Stealing Brownies


Written by Joe Krzyston

In a turn of events that is drawing comparison to the scandals that rocked the Clinton campaign, SGA president Leah Weinstein (no relation) is facing charges relating to the deletion of emails, the sending of official emails on a private server and the theft of brownies from Commons in a quantity exceeding that which is allowed by law. Sources from the administration say that there’s a strong likelihood of an indictment in the coming weeks. 

Says a dean of the college, speaking under condition of anonymity, “Ms. Weinstein has operated in flagrant violation of the law for a long time now. We’ve all known it, but she’s the president, so it’s tough to pin anything to her. I think, frankly, that she’s finally gone too far. She’s pissed off a critical mass of her peers and colleagues, and it’s looking like we’re finally ready to take her down.”

Indeed, the scene has been described largely in historic terms, with one source saying the situation was similar to that on the Ides of March, 44 BC, when Julius Caesar was killed by his underlings in a collective fit of righteous indignation. When I asked him about the possibility of a more peaceful resolution, comparable to that which led to the signing of the Magna Carta by King John in 1215, he turned to me and laughed. After the chuckling died down, he told me that Ms. Weinstein had “made her bed, now she must lie in it. She paved her road to the top in the blood of her enemies. Hers is a debt payable only with vengeance.” 

The situation in general, and the prevalence of violent and oddly specific historical imagery in student government, has called into question the ability of SGA to function within the confines of civil society. Surely, though, the death of the organization was predicated by Ms. Weinstein’s lapse into amorality and Machiavellian ruthlessness. Among her well-known deceits is the constant theft of brownies in quantities greater than one at a time from Commons. Says a professor of philosophy, speaking anonymously, “This demonstrates an appreciable failure to appreciate and understand the deeper implications of her moral actions. The leadership here is totally untethered.”

When approached for interview, Ms. Weinstein did give a statement, but much of it is considered too obscene to print. (We’ve sent it to Vice, where these things tend not to matter so much, and even their editors were shocked and offended by the content of the statement.) The only words we can repeat are these that follow.

“Look, I’m the president, and I can do whatever I want!” she shouted at me, across a table, brandishing a massive log that I’m not entirely sure how she obtained in the confines of a conference room. “I have the power, I know what I’m doing, and let me tell you something, baby- I’m here to stay!”

Apprehended for Not Drinking in Sketchy, School-Sanctioned Basement


Written by Joe Krzyston

Last weekend, two students were apprehended by Campus Safety. Their offence? Drinking underage anywhere other than a weird, slyly school sanctioned basement. 

Said one of the students, “It was a cool, breezy Friday evening, and my buddy and I figured it would be a great night to split a six-pack on the bleachers overlooking the soccer field. We wanted to take a break from the nauseatingly toxic atmosphere on weekends on campus- the constant heavy drinking, the yelling, the vomiting in bathrooms. Naturally, drinking in moderation with a good friend seemed like a great way to do this, according both to widely held popular sentiment and our own previous experience. We were both underage, true, but given the flagrancy with which this regulation is so frequently broken on and off campus, we thought the precedent of acceptability had already been set.”

“Not so,” said the arresting officer. “See, my job is to keep the student body safe, and when I came across these two students, drinking moderately, neither of them visibly intoxicated, I immediately saw a serious threat to both their wellbeing and the wellbeing of others. There they were, engaged in conversation, not a phone out among them. What if they’d gotten three beers deep and discussed something dangerous?”

At the root of the offence, however, was not that the students were drinking underage, but that the students were drinking underage outside of a de-facto safe zone, namely a weird, dirty basement. “We acknowledge that students are likely to drink underage,” said a representative of the school, “which is why we turn a blind eye so long as students are willing to engage in this behavior strictly in the confines of the cinder-block basement of a Fraternity house. The Fraternity, out of respect for the laws of this great nation and state, is forced to go through a set of arbitrary rituals to claim some degree of deniability, and this keeps everybody dependably safe. These loud, frantic, hypersexualized spaces are great venues for students to come together with their peers and engage in the sort of enlightened discourse we keep claiming to facilitate as a college.”

As far as the fates of the students involved go, they are both set to attend hearings with Residence Life, a department widely respected as a steadfast arbiter of truth, justice and reason. They’re both held in high regard by the campus community, so their penalties are expected to be light. One, charged with just possession of alcohol, is expected to be made to complete a gauntlet of worthless classes and profess, in writing, his sincere regret at having committed no perceptible moral transgression. The other, who was found with marijuana, is expected to be tarred and feathered by the concerned citizens of Salem, VA. Both have been stripped of their dignity for the duration of the process. 

Women’s Soccer Finishes Their Season with Crushing Loss to Lynchburg


Written by Caleb Childress

A suspenseful season has come to an end. This past week, the Women’s soccer team competed in the ODAC quarterfinals, starting with a game against Randolph-Macon College. At Kerr Stadium, the Maroons had an outstanding performance beating the Yellow Jackets by two goals. Kathryn Van Orden and Meagan Ryan’s early goals helped secure the 2-0 win for Roanoke and moved the team into the semifinals.

At the ODAC semifinals, November 4, they faced Lynchburg College in Virginia Beach. The Hornets scored twice in the second half but a last-minute goal from Tori Young, freshman, helped bring the Maroons back into the game. But unfortunately, the Hornets came away with the victory. This 2-1 defeat ended the Maroon’s 2017 season and Lynchburg went on to beat Bridgewater College in the championship. 

However, the Maroons still had a successful season as they continuously posted great results each week during the regular season. “I think our team accomplished a lot this season. One of our goals we accomplished was to host the first round of the ODAC Tournament where we had a great performance against RMC in Kerr Stadium winning 2-0. And, in the classroom, we earned our fifth straight United Soccer Coaches Team Academic Award for a team GPA of 3.23, which was also one of our goals,” said Coach Benne. 

Over the course of the season, the Maroons racked up over 350 shots and 34 goals while allowing only 15 goals. Kathryn Van Orden, sophomore, led the team in scoring with four goals while Ellie Schad, freshman, Tori Young,freshman, Hailey Davis, sophomore,and Caelen DeMut, freshman, followed closely, each with three goals. In defense, Goalkeeper Chris Martin, sophomore, made 70 saves and Caroline Liebel, senior, made 21 saves.

 The team finished third overall in the ODAC with a record of 11-7-2 and were ranked ninth in the NCAA South Atlantic Region. “Competing in a very competitive NCAA Division Three women’s soccer conference, we feel like the program is in good shape and poised for continued success” said Benne.