Article Written by Mackay Pierce
Area newspaper editor David Hall walked right into a sick nasty prank last weekend when he got totally hosed with a bunch of water guns.
According to unnamed sources within the Campus police department, the sequence of events occurred over a few hours on the evening of April 8. At 7:45 the conspirators gathered to discuss plans for the evening. After a somewhat depressing exchange, the group decided to lure one of their friends into a trap. Hall was among the group at that time though he was naïve to the cabal’s true goal: Hall himself was the target. Quickly after, the group departed to an area Dollar Tree to acquire their arsenal: 13 caliber Wet n’ Wild plastic based water pistols and one big ol’ wet noodle.
One area elementary school student named Len Hester joined the assailants prior to their attack: “Well, really I was just in town on a school field trip to the shrimp processing factory, but once I saw them gathering with the water guns I couldn’t resist! I’m always down for a good hosing!”
Around midnight, the true plan was realized. As Hall exited the bathroom he found himself flanked by multiple individuals armed to the teeth with their water weapons. “I knew what was coming” Hall said. After a brief and unspirited resistance, Hall succumbed to his fate. At this point, according to reports, the game was truly afoot as the group fired upon their hapless victim until not a drop of water remained in their supply.
Reah Finestine, one of the perpetrators, could be seen blasting away at the sad sack of an editor with an extra fervor. She only relented after he had collapsed to the ground, defenseless. “I really got into it, you know? Just something about how miserable he looked and how powerful I felt.”
Authorities were only alerted to the event after a brave citizen, Ben Butsmill, totally narced: “I don’t know what’s going on in there but some of those mean kids are making a real racket! I’ve got homework to do!”
In perhaps a perfect encapsulation of the evening, friend Joan Smidgton said in regards to the event “He [Hall] really had that shit coming. Maybe he can clean himself up with that rag of a newspaper he runs.