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Tinder: Here There Be Monsters

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Article by Emma Grosskopf

In the spirit of Halloween, I’ll tell you: nothing is scarier to me than Tinder and its overwhelming number of creepy characters. You’ve got several different types of monsters swiping, as we speak, ready to attack.

Zombies: The zombies are the lifeless, boring bodies on the prowl for fresh meat. They always message first, right away, while starting all of their conversations with the same thing: “Hey”. No punctuation, no introduction. Dead. Lifeless. And they just. Keep. Coming.

Vampires: Everyone has come across a Vampire at least once. You know the type: dirty jokes, winking emojis and an incessant barrage of requests for nudes. Watch out for these people. Their thirst is unquenchable.

Werewolves: These folks seem sweet at first, with their sappy “good morning” messages and their acting like they care about your day. However, if you don’t message them back within a couple hours, they morph into angry beasts, showing you the true monster within.

Clown: Clowns are the users who have clever bios. Funny profile pictures. They might message you with a clever pickup line that will make you chuckle. Remember: whether they’re silly rodeo clowns or a regular Pennywise, remember: they’re still a clown.

Ghost: Easy: a ghost ghosts you. You message them first because why not? You only live once! You ask them out and…nothing. No response. Are they just jerks? Are they scared of commitment? Did they just get tired of all of the tired Tinder nonsense and delete the app? Guess you’ll never know since THEY NEVER RESPONDED TO YOU.

Witch/Wizard: They put you under a spell with their pictures, and you are drooling after this person who is seemingly perfect. Then, they message you with the dreaded “DTF?” (which, in case you’re smart and stay off dating apps, means “down to frickfrack?”) And then, poof! The spell is broken.