Written by David Hall
SALEM – Junior Emily Resume, announced on Tuesday that she is “just too darn busy for learning,” in an unprecedented move that stunned both professors and peers alike.
In a press release, Resume stated that the pressures from being in six organizations are just too much to actually receive the education that she is here to get. Readings from a French philosopher? Classes taught by experts in their field who’ve worked for decades to get where they are now? Sorry, they’ll just have to take a backseat.
“There’s really just too much on my plate,” said Resume while taking an interview during a class covering Oedipus Rex amongst other Greek works about human fallibility.. “I mean, if I don’t send this email in class about snack assignments for my pointless club’s next meeting, the world will absolutely fall apart!”
Resume is the president of three organizations, the secretary for two, and the treasurer for one. As president of “Students for Perspective,” she coordinates events that help ordinary students see beyond the trivial nonsense of their daily lives. She’s also president of “Some Weird Honors Society,” whose website describes their mission as “to foster, a more worldly, well rounded resume that’s sure to knock the socks off of any dipshit grad school admissions counselor with a $20 bill nestled in their back pocket.” With these responsibilities and more, Resume can’t help but forget to do literally any actual learning.That’s not all. According to Resume, these “useless” studies won’t even help her in the “real world” anyway.
“I’m here to get a motherf$%#ing job, bro,” said Resume. “And I’m pretty sure there’s not a lot money in learning about the lost humanism in modernity or whatever. So why don’t you just step off, eh?”
Professor Claudia Archetype is an expert in Buddhism with a PhD from Duke, said she’s not surprised by Resume’s decision.
“At least she had the guts to say what all these other fakers have been thinking,” said Archetype. “You know how many kids were playing solitaire in my class yesterday? 3. I went to school for 10 years to stand in front of these mouth breathers and they don’t even have the courtesy to hold in their farts during our meditation exercises.”