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SGA President Ousted in Nonviolent Bloodless Coup

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Written by Joe Krzyston

In a turn of events widely expected for quite some time, SGA President Leah Weinstein has been ousted in a bloodless coup. Ms. Weinstein has been clinging to power for months through ruthlessness and intimidation. Though once seen as a formidable, even indomitable political opponent, her grasp on her position has grown more and more tentative, as a coalition has formed around her removal from office. 

“It’s odd,” said a coalition leader, “how such an outrageous abuse of power can also serve as a point of unity among so many.” Indeed, the coalition was broad, consisting of students from all walks of life, aided by faculty, staff, and concerned citizens of the Roanoke valley, who were worried that Ms. Weinstein might make use of eminent domain laws to seize their land for nefarious purposes. Indeed, in an annual survey of landowners in the area, Leah Weinstein was listed just behind the Mountain Valley Pipeline as a concern regarding the integrity of their land. 

With Ms. Weinstein’s reign of terror now effectively over, fair and free elections have been allowed to proceed, the results which have surely been covered elsewhere in the paper. As the school settles back to normal after a tumultuous year, this reporter wondered what comes of a tyrant after the dust settles. How will our very own Napoleon spend her time on St. Helena? We asked her about her plans post-tyranny, and after the swearing subsided, we managed to get a committed response. 

“I’ll be back, believe me. I don’t know exactly how. Shucks, I don’t even know exactly why, but you’d better believe it. This school very certainly hasn’t seen the last of me.” When asked about her plans in the meantime, she shrugged her shoulders, looked out of the window of the ancient prison in which she is entombed (Wells 2, if we’re being specific), and pondered for a moment before answering. “You know, I’m not all the way sure. I do miss the high life, the intensity and thrill of power, the rush I got paling around with the trustees, squashing internal dissidence, and generally overseeing my preserve.” Then she looked up, a ray of golden sunlight illuminating her face, which was framed perfectly between a Hillary Clinton poster and a Manchester United scarf (her support of the team being an offence arguably worse than any other). “At the same time, it’s been a long time since I’ve caught up on Scandal, kicked the soccer ball around, or really done anything for me. It’s hard work being a tyrant, but it’s also hard work just being a gal, too. So who knows.” She sat for a moment, contemplatively, until the sun was blocked out by a cloud. Her expression turned once again sinister, and she bid me adieu with a promise that whatever she did next would be bigger and better than anything she’d ever done before. You know something? I believe her. 

**Editorial Note- Leah Weinstein is a dear friend of mine for a number of reasons, chief among them being her sense of humor. Many thanks, Leah, your service to the school, your friendship, and your support and encouragement (this article was your idea, after all!) as I depict you as a bloodthirsty tyrant in the pages of our newspaper. We’ve all been honored to know you, and we’re all excited to see what comes next. Bon voyage, mon ami.