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Whiplash, Nausea

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Written by Joe Krzyston

The scene at Health Services this Thursday was frantic, with folks of all stripes clamoring for assistance. Athletes, Greeks and decent students alike were waiting in the lobby for help, with some spilling out onto the sidewalk. 

The cause of their medical distress? Maroon Momentum. 

The unstoppable force has gripped much of the campus since its first mention on helpful pennants that remind students where they go to school. It has long been present on campus, but the 175th anniversary of the college’s founding, and the absolute blitz of promotional material that has accompanied it has only led to its intensification. 

The health issues are linked primarily to the force of the momentum, and its minor inconsistency, which experts believe is related strongly to the performance of the college’s athletic teams, turnout at Mac and Bob’s wing night, and the Roanoke valley’s idiosyncratic weather patterns. When it accelerates and decelerates, some on campus are jarred badly enough to require medical assistance. Conversely, sustained ‘Maroon Momentum’ has been known to make students nauseous in a fashion comparable to a spin on an amusement park ride or a poem written by an especially precious Creative Writing major.

When contacted for comment, administrative representatives said simply that ‘Maroon Momentum’ is “…here to stay, baby! We’re moving very quickly towards something! Specifically, a future, as detailed in our brochures, that is defined by students playing Ultimate Frisbee on the back quad, hiking on the Appalachian Trail, and standing in front of whiteboards covered in mathematical equations. Isn’t that exciting?”