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Students Shirk Duties Due to Sun

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Written by Joseph Krzyston

Across campus, students are starting to reconsider commitments of time and emotion that they made in the bleak midwinter. When life seemed so meaningless and many of us over-engaged to fill our personal voids. However, these dark spaces are now illuminated by the warmth and light of the sun. As life feels better, students are reevaluating their choices en masse.

“I think it’s sort of a coping mechanism,” says one sophomore, “one that makes a lot of sense in the winter. It makes sense to fill your day with meetings and obligations when the whole world looks like a desolate frozen hellscape, but now that it’s nice outside, it’s way harder to say yes to the asinine nonsense that I signed up for through student organizations back in late November.”

It’s not just clubs that are suffering, though. Across campus, people are abandoning responsibilities of various natures to soak up some sun, or just generally to participate in the broader world in a capacity more organic than those made possible by rigidly defined social constructions. Relationships, too, are in trouble, as sundresses and whatever men wear in the summer that women like (tell me it’s not cargo shorts) lead students to reconsider agreements made in the colder months, when the number one question on anybody’s mind was warmth.

“It’s a crazy paradigm,” said one professor, “and I don’t know if it’s sustainable. I mean, it’s just so nice out. Today, not a single student showed up to class, and I don’t really think I can blame them. I mean, have you been outside lately? Makes me wonder why we work at all.”