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Commons in Crisis: Paper Plates Cause Mass Hysteria

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Written by Shamira James

Hello everyone, or those left. It’s Day Four of the post – apocalyptic world of the out-of-order Commons dishwasher. Students have gone mad on campus, causing nothing but mayhem and violence, so here’s an update.

The first day was fine, very little hysteria broke out, and why would it? We had seen this before, but give it a day or even two at most and we’d be back to our bright ceramic plates and shatterproof plastic cups.

Wednesday rolled around, and while the masses wanted nothing more than to eat the delicacies of Panko Crusted Cod on reusable plates, we were met, yet again, with paper, plastic and sheer disappointment.

Thursday morning was tense, people were irritated, exhausted and just plain mad. True savagery began when a senior rebel commented on the school’s Instagram post about on campus scenery: “Fix the dishwasher in commons.”

The people rallied behind with 23 likes on his comment.

Thursday’s lunch is a hazy memory, considering that’s when the chaos broke. Sigma Chi brothers stood on tables while men’s soccer players swung from the chandeliers.

I hid under the tables until the smoke cleared. I’m writing from a panic room for now. I hope we can restore humanity and get back to the civil times, but only time will tell.