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Family of Mallards Awarded Tenure

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Written by Elizabeth Janes

SALEM – The family of mallards that has recently taken up residence in the stream cutting through the north side of campus was awarded tenure last week for “Outstanding Services to the School”. The family, consisting of two males and a female, have become a Roanoke College Institution in the few short weeks since their arrival. “From the first time I saw them in that puddle outside of Commons I knew they would accomplish great things for our campus community,” said one eager student with tear in his eye. Considering the hefty stack of requirements to receive tenure at the College, it really is quite a feat for our flat-footed friends to have received such an honor so early in their time here. “We felt it entirely appropriate to overlook our typical tenure requirements in order to properly thank the mallard family for the joy and charm they have brought to our campus,” said one bespectacled, bow tied individual with an inside scoop. Though it is unclear how long the mallards plan to stay on campus, I dare say we’re all hoping to see a few ducklings before we leave for the summer.