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Anti-Capitalist Tirade Written at $2000 MacBook Pro


Written by Joe Krzyston

A stirring message to the proletariat was written, revised, and broadcast to a largely indifferent audience today, all from the backlit keys of a $2000 MacBook Pro. The irony, entirely lost upon the author and his peers, was not present in the tone of the text, either.

“The primary driver of suffering worldwide is American consumerist greed. Period. End of discussion,” typed the sociology major, aglow in the light of a 15-inch screen, enhanced by a Radeon Pro 555X graphics package with four extra gigabytes of memory. “As long as monstrous capitalism is the driving force behind society, there will be no justice, no peace, no true prosperity.” His typing was made easier by the MacBook’s Touch Bar, a feature that I do not understand well enough to make any more jokes about.

“Yeah, this baby is the backbone of my arsenal against corporate greed and excess, especially the exploitation of people internationally,” said the student, looking at the laptop admiringly. “Literally the only thing I can think of not to like about this laptop is how long it took to get here after I ordered it. I don’t know where they ship it from, but it might as well have been on the other side of the world.”

As for the man’s future with the laptop activism, it’s hard to say what’s in store, but it’s clear there’ll be no rest for him anytime soon. “It’s hard to say what the next corporate target is,” said the young man, dividing his attention between our interview and a Bernie Sanders tweet open on the laptop before him. “Could be Walmart, could be Pfizer, could be Amazon. Which reminds me, I had some dope anti-corporate stickers I wanted to order for my laptop. I’m thinking of this one. It says ‘This Machine Kills Corporate Greed.’ Sick, right?”

RC Upgrades Facilities, Improves Campus over Summer


Written by Bradley Bommarito

Though the end of the spring semester means nearly four months off for most students, many of RC’s dedicated faculty and staff stick around long after students travel home.  College employees have worked hard over summer break to improve the RC experience for all.

The Buildings and Grounds Department has been laboring tirelessly to physically improve and beautify the campus.  In addition to performing their routine maintenance and landscaping, Buildings and Grounds is also responsible for tackling long-term updates to facilities.  Two walkway bridges were replaced over the summer, the A/C units in several buildings were updated or replaced, and numerous fire alarm systems were replaced.  Multiple porches and patios were repaired or newly constructed, boilers have been replaced, and Crawford is now home to new basement showers.

Students may have noticed an ongoing sidewalk construction along Market Street, adjacent to the faculty/staff parking lot next to Bast.  Another ongoing project is the renovation of the Monterey House and Quarters. This historic building, located on a hill somewhat behind West Hall, is primarily used to host guests of the college.  The President’s Guest House is currently under renovation as well, and the main campus sewer line is being worked on.

Both new and returning Maroons should be aware of exciting changes that have been made within Dining Services.  Previously contracted to CUPS and the Little Green Hive, Dining Services has taken over operation of the coffee shop in Fintel Library.  Though Rooney’s Brews does not currently accept meal plan exchanges, customers may use Dining Dollars, Maroon Money, cash, and credit/debit cards.  New video menu boards have been installed in Commons, Cavern, and Rooney’s Brews. Dining Services plans to expand the use of these to include better promotions of specials or upcoming events, daily features, and cross promotion of events.  They would also like to look into having video station signage at the various stations in the Commons.

For those of you who really wanted a milkshake in Cavern last year but had no money to spend on one, fear not!  Milkshakes are now listed as a meal exchange item, and you can get one today for one swipe (two sides included).  If this doesn’t interest you, perhaps you’ll be elated to hear that Dining Services is working to finalize a “Take Out” program for the Commons and Cavern that will utilize reusable containers.  This program would start on a trial basis this fall before becoming a permanent option if successful; more information is forthcoming.

RC is working to bring in a dietician to support Dining Services and help with programming, nutrition, and allergen options, along with other program needs.  Due to an expansion of vendors, locally grown hydroponic lettuce is now available all week long in the Commons. After over 18 years of service, the old dish machine was removed over the summer and replaced by a new highly efficient, water reducing, energy saving machine. This modern machine, manufactured in Germany, will provide water savings of about 65 percent, energy savings of close to 50 percent, and reduction in chemical cost by over 30 percent.

For the men and women who protect and serve our campus, work never stops.  Campus Safety has decommissioned their iconic red Dodge Durango and replaced it with a Ford Explorer that was obtained through a law enforcement vendor.  Some restructuring and promotion have occurred as well. April McCadden was promoted to a sergeant and will be overseeing a new neighborhood outreach initiative.  Kevin Assenat was also promoted to a sergeant, and he will be working to improve internal efficacy. Campus Safety has reopened hiring for its Salem Ambassadors program, a town-gown relations initiative that aims to bridge the gap between RC students and residents of Salem.

RC is constantly growing and expanding, and with this growth comes tremendous responsibility.  Our faculty and staff are committed to providing a quality college experience. Next time you’re in line at Commons or you see a grounds worker weed whacking or you see a Campus Safety officer on patrol, consider taking the time to thank one of the many people who make this experience possible.

Humans of RC: Madame President, Olivia Kitt


Written by Emma Grosskopf and Shamira James

Olivia Kitt, a junior political science major with a legal studies concentration and a sociology minor, is arguably one of the busiest people on campus. A Roanoke native, Kitt has been extremely active during the last couple weeks with her involvement in Orientation activities with RC’s newest additions, Class of 2022.

“Two years ago I was a freshman, which is kind of crazy to think about! Time sure does fly when you’re having fun, I guess, or when you’re stressed! Either way!

Throughout my time here, I’ve learned that it’s really important to get involved on campus. I’m student body president, I’m a part of the Academic Integrity Council, the Maroon Baptist Fellowship, Alpha Phi Omega,  which is a service fraternity here on campus and many other things.

This year I got work with the freshmen as an Orientation Leader, and I had a really good group! What I’ve seen with the freshmen is that they’re really excited and want to get involved, and they want to see things outside of their comfort zone. That’s one of the great things about RC! It’s a liberal arts college, so you’re really encouraged to explore other fields and interests.

I’ve learned that one of the great things about life is that you have to go through hardships in order to realize some of your greatest triumphs. At my time here at RC, I’ve had my fair share of setbacks, but I’ve been able to get so involved, being president, it’s insane!

My role for the freshmen was a sort of nurturing figure. I wanted them to know, “Hey guys, if you ever need me you can call me or text me, I’m always here for you, whenever you need me.” That’s what I hope they got from me, that they always have a friend here at Roanoke if everything else fails.

My advice for freshmen? Take advantage of the community. This is the perfect place to make connections, whether that be with your professors, through internships, through service organizations, this is the time NOW. The relationships that you make here at RC will spread beyond this. There are so many alumni that come back every Alumni Weekend because they love this place. Because Roanoke will always be a home.”

Temporarily Optimistic Student Comes Back to Reality


Written by Joe Krzyston

In a short-lived burst of back-to-school optimism, a Roanoke College student allowed himself to think, for one fleeting moment, that this might really be his year. The student, a senior, agreed to be interviewed confidentially, out of fear of embarrassment.

“Look,” the student said, “I know it was dumb to think. I know none of the first three years were my years, and I know that means the fourth one isn’t likely to be either, but for a moment, as I walked down the sidewalk by Monterey, I entertained the notion that this year might really be a good one. I…” He looked off distantly before continuing. “I don’t know what I was thinking, but it felt good to believe it for a second, you know?”

What shook the sweet, simple young lad from his naïve daydream?

“Well, in my first couple minutes back on campus I broke a strap on my backpack, spilled coffee on myself, and made really awkward eye contact with a beautiful girl in the library, and I think we both felt weird about it. So the bubble actually burst quite quickly.”

Despite the return of reality, the student is in reasonably high spirits.

“Yeah, it’s actually sort of nice to just accept the way things are, you know? I’m let down every year, but this time it happened really quickly, and that’s good in a way. Better to rip the band-aid off right away, right?” The student gazed optimistically toward the horizon, making one more adorably optimistic remark. “It’s not like things can get a whole lot worse, right?”

Maroons Talk Back(ety-Ack)


Written by Emma Grosskopf and Shamira James

New (school) Year, New You? What are you doing different this time?

Brook Vess, senior, Residential ASA Angel, “I’m being more proactive and getting more involved on campus. I wanna be a better resource to the community, my sisters and residents.”

Jordan Alouf, sophomore, The Most Tan Individual, “I’m cutting toxic people out of my life *sips tea* and doing my damn homework.”

Megan Worley, junior, The Most Aesthetically Pleasing Insta, “I’m taking opportunities and chances I didn’t have the courage to do before.”

Ryan Haden, unior, Theater Thot, “Focusing on my art and money…that’s it.”