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Scandal Forces RC to Choose New Mascot

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-Staff Writer

This year students across campus have experienced the stinkbug infestation. These insects have crawled through air vents and windows to startle students in their rooms.

They are such a staple to the campus that they are soon to be Roanoke College’s new mascot.

The current mascot, the maroon-tailed hawk, better known as Rooney, has fallen into scandal with the school.

School administrators discovered late last month Rooney has had an ongoing tryst with Virginia Tech’s HokieBird. It has also been reported this has resulted in the Bird’s pregnancy, which cannot be condoned by the college.

“Appropriate measures are being taken to ensure this matter is wrapped up as efficiently and quietly as possible,” an anonymous source has stated.

These measures include the removal of Rooney as the official mascot and filling the void with a mascot. It has been decided the stinkbug will be the replacement.

“There was no student vote because we want this matter to be kept as quiet as possible. When something like this happens, it is important for the issue to be resolved in a swift manner with little disturbance to the student body. School officials want this incident to pass by with little fuss,” the source said.

School officials plan to announce in the coming weeks that the school will be represented by the stinkbug, also known as a shield bug, whose formal name is the Pentatomoidea.

Roanoke will soon disband the use of maroon as a color. The school colors instead will be all gray.

The costume for the new mascot has been ordered in our new school color, with a maroon “R” stitched in the center of the stinkbug’s back. Those in charge of this decision are very excited about the new direction Roanoke is headed. They anticipate students will grow to embrace the stinkbug as their mascot.

“We feel this creature will grow to embody Roanoke spirit and students will understand and appreciate the decision that has been made,” the source said.

The formal change of the mascot will be made in the 2011-2012 academic school year.

Go Stinkbugs!