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The Sexperts: Turning Your Next Satanic Ritual into a Satanic Orgy

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Your first order of business is to promote your satanic ritual. Find friends that you think might be interested and ask them. Once you have recruited 10-14 participants (keep in mind that at least 3 will be used as sacrifices), you are ready to gather your materials.

So, what will you need? Candles, sheep’s or pig’s blood, voodoo dolls, sharp objects including at least one knife, and a pentagram, or if you don’t already have one on your floor, you’ll need paint and “How to Draw Ritualistic Satanic Symbols For Dummies,” sold at most major retailers. And don’t forget where this satanic ritual is really headed, so stock up on the condoms, lube, chains, whips, and other toys of your choosing.

Have the candles lit around your pentagram, not only for use in the satanic ritual, but also to set the ambiance. At the start of your ritual, convince everyone that they must disrobe completely. Next, smear your bodies with the pig’s or sheep’s blood to get everyone in the mood, and encourage participants to help others to get the blood in those “hard to reach places.” If you run out of blood, remember you have some extra people whom you can sacrifice and use their blood.

You should then curse a voodoo doll crafted in the likeness of one of the attendees to initiate their demise (that’s the first required sacrifice). Then, two more participants deemed as impure in the eyes of Satan will walk into the center of the pentagram while you and the others chant in Latin, and the two will be consumed in flames, which will really get those with pyro fetishes going.

Now is when you should bring out the lube, condoms, and toys/BDSM gear to send a clear message to your guests as to the purpose of you summoning them. Those who are willing to participate should be brought to the periphery of the pentagram to make another sacrifice to Satan, using those who do not wish to participate in the orgy. Now, your group is free of the impure and the sexually restrained so you may now proceed to get down and freaky with some hot candle wax!

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