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The Sexperts: Necrophilia for Beginners

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With Halloween soon approaching, everyone wants to put a ghoulish spin on his or her love life. Vampires are the go-to sexy creature. Yet, so many books, shows, and movies, like “Twilight”, have overdone the romantic vampire motif. Well, guess what, bloodsuckers; you have overstayed your welcome. It is time for some other goblin or ghoul to do the sucking! That is right; zombies are this Halloween’s hot new hotties.

While simply doing some zombie foreplay while Netflix and chilling to “The Walking Dead” may suffice for some, if you really want to take this Halloween’s sexy new trend to the big leagues, it is time to grab your shovels and raise the dead, though you won’t need Viagra to do the raising. This andrticle will guide you through neo-necrophilia, or sex with the undead.

First, you have to find yourself a cemetery and go browsing the headstones for the corpse of your choice. However, if you are searching for a sugar daddy, I would head straight to the mausoleums. Next is the hard part: digging up the body. This can take a while, but will make you all sweaty and dirty, perfect for your sexual encounter with your zombie lover. Once, you have reached the coffin, it is time to raise the dead. Any number of spell books at your local public library will have spells to bring the dead back to life.

It is important to remember to ask the zombie if they want to have sex with you. Once consent is received, then the party can really begin! The constant moaning noises that zombies make have been scientifically proven to heighten pleasure in both partners. However, you must remember that the undead have an appetite for human brains. This can cause issues, as your goal is not to die or become a zombie yourself. Thus, protection is key. Remember not just to stock up on condoms, but bring a football helmet or other protective headgear. Also, try and curb any biting fetishes your zombie partner might have.

At the end of your night of undying passion for the undead, it is important to remember that this is a one-night stand, and you need to put that zombie back in the ground. Remember to keep your spell book handy so you can cast a spell to return your lover to their eternal rest. They will need it after a night with you.

 

Photo Courtesy of Flickr
Photo Courtesy of Flickr

 

 

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