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10 Things that are Worse than Graduating

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Article Written by Mackay Pierce

 

It’s that time of year, folks. Whether you are graduating in some 40-odd days or if you have four years left (yes, I realize that’s impossible but alliteration is fun so step off), we are all scrambling to finish the year and figure out what comes next. For many seniors, the slow steamroller of time and existential dread is particularly painful, because we have to figure out what we are doing with ourselves and stuff.

But, as many after-school specials and thanksgiving I guess have taught us, perspective is always important to keep in mind. And, as you may have noticed, the whole world is basically a dumpster fire at the moment. So, here are 10 things that will make you less sad by making you more sad (sadception, if you will):

  1. According to Congress, anyone with two brain cells, an increasingly potent smell of dead fish in the white house pressroom, and the goddamned FBI, our dear president may be a traitor.
  2. Climate Change totally ruined winter and Christmas and snow days.
  3. Daylight savings is still a thing so that sucks and I have a headache.
  4. Twenty-four million people may be about to lose their healthcare because of poor people and old people and old poor people suck.
  5. Apparently former happiest person in the world Richard Simmons has been missing for three years.
  6. Warner Brothers is planning on remaking “The Matrix” because what the hell, right?
  7. These huge crazy ass methane bubbles are about to explode in Siberia because of, you guessed it, Climate Change again.
  8. Last week our Secretary of State low key challenged North Korea to a nuclear pissing match (it’s cool though because those guys are usually pretty level headed.)
  9. Iron Fist really does suck.
  10. Oh, and Congress is about to send a bill to the president’s desk allowing hunters to kill bear and wolf puppies while they sleep on federal land. So that’s fun.

And if that’s not enough for you, global hunger is still a huge problem even though we have enough food to feed everyone. Most countries still seem pretty keen on trying to kill one another (and we are still pretty keen on bringing hellfire to our enemies from flying robots.) The world seems to be kicking the tires on this whole nuclear proliferation thing again. Climate change is still raging on to probably kill all of us in 30 or 40 years. And, who knows, if dystopian fiction has taught us anything murderous artificial intelligence, Martians, or something should be rolling along to establish a new world order any day now.

Basically, it’s not all bad. Shit, I mean it is, but also don’t worry so much because the sum of all of your failures wouldn’t even come close to breaking the headlines on any given day in the new world. So, idk, here is a quote I just made up: “The world is awful so chill the hell out and try to help fix it.”

Just, you know, call your mom, apply for that cool job or grant you don’t think you can get, and take a trip to Iceland or wherever it is that you people go these days.