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Sorority Absolved of Responsibility via Cornhole

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Joe Krzyston
Section Editor

The young women of one of Roanoke College’s sororities (and because these organizations are preposterously well lawyered, that’s as specific as I’m allowed to get) can now breathe a collective sigh of relief, having successfully relieved themselves of any modicum of obligation or responsibility to the community in which they live for yet another year. In a move hailed by social scientists as an unprecedented step towards a total alleviation of suffering worldwide, immeasurable social good was achieved during the hosting of a Cornhole tournament.

Cornhole, a lawn game defined primarily by the tossing of cloth bags
of corn into a hole drilled into the end of a board, has long been a mainstay
of family barbeques and gatherings, but only recently has it taken its rightful role at the forefront of philanthropy and global development. Used effectively, it has the power to change the world.
“It’s a lot of work,”

says sister Elise McNoname (<this is in no way a real person, Oh Dear God please don’t sue us), “but the throwing of surplus grain-stock onto a playfully decorated board at a minor cost of entry to each participant really goes a long way towards enriching the community and addressing the issues that real people face every day… I’m sure if I think
on it I can name some of those issues.” Unfortunately, our field reporter didn’t have all day, so the issues went unnamed.

“I think this represents a massive breakthrough in service and giving,” said a Roanoke College professor of Sociology. “Gone are the days of lengthy involvements with communities and their issues. We can play yard games and simultaneously resolve issues of guilt and obligation in their entirety, and that’s profound.”