Home Opinion Soon-to-be Grads Collectively Wondering When They Can Apply for Unemployment

Soon-to-be Grads Collectively Wondering When They Can Apply for Unemployment


Written by Joseph Krzyston

As the class of 2018 prepares to walk across the stage, one question is on the mind of a number of the soon-to-be grads. Though few have been asking it, the question is surprisingly widespread, expressed mostly through nervous chuckles and averted glances. Still, a brave few are asking it aloud. One of these is senior David Hall.

“So I’m mostly wondering when I’m allowed to start collecting unemployment,” said Hall, under cover of an ironic baseball cap. “I’m lining up jobs, but if we’re being real, this is an attractive alternative.”

Despite his gruff appearance, which indeed is already suggestive of an extended period of unemployment, Hall is by no means unusual in his pondering. Across campus, students of all stripes have been wondering the same thing to themselves. Says Hall, “People in duck boots, people in t-shirts, people in hats, people without hats, they’re all wondering, man. All of them. I’m just the only one honest enough to admit it.”

This was confirmed by a representative from Career Services, who said there’d been an uptick in recent weeks of incidents where students walked into the office and said very little. “We’ve been seeing it for a couple months now,” said the representative, “students coming in and shifting awkwardly and tapping their knuckles on the desk and muttering something about federal assistance. I don’t think anybody has the nerve to outright say it, but it is happening.”

The college has assured students not to worry, and in a move presumably conceived to assuage anxieties, it has created five hundred new positions in the admissions department to handle “an influx an influx in vaguely qualified young people, some of whom might be willing to work a little.”