Home Opinion Anti-Capitalist Tirade Written at $2000 MacBook Pro

Anti-Capitalist Tirade Written at $2000 MacBook Pro


Written by Joe Krzyston

A stirring message to the proletariat was written, revised, and broadcast to a largely indifferent audience today, all from the backlit keys of a $2000 MacBook Pro. The irony, entirely lost upon the author and his peers, was not present in the tone of the text, either.

“The primary driver of suffering worldwide is American consumerist greed. Period. End of discussion,” typed the sociology major, aglow in the light of a 15-inch screen, enhanced by a Radeon Pro 555X graphics package with four extra gigabytes of memory. “As long as monstrous capitalism is the driving force behind society, there will be no justice, no peace, no true prosperity.” His typing was made easier by the MacBook’s Touch Bar, a feature that I do not understand well enough to make any more jokes about.

“Yeah, this baby is the backbone of my arsenal against corporate greed and excess, especially the exploitation of people internationally,” said the student, looking at the laptop admiringly. “Literally the only thing I can think of not to like about this laptop is how long it took to get here after I ordered it. I don’t know where they ship it from, but it might as well have been on the other side of the world.”

As for the man’s future with the laptop activism, it’s hard to say what’s in store, but it’s clear there’ll be no rest for him anytime soon. “It’s hard to say what the next corporate target is,” said the young man, dividing his attention between our interview and a Bernie Sanders tweet open on the laptop before him. “Could be Walmart, could be Pfizer, could be Amazon. Which reminds me, I had some dope anti-corporate stickers I wanted to order for my laptop. I’m thinking of this one. It says ‘This Machine Kills Corporate Greed.’ Sick, right?”