Written by Brice Hall
We at the Brackety-Ack talked to a recent convert to vegetarianism. The young citizen met us in Fintel Library’s most secluded corner. They were visibly agitated and their cranium was protected from “The AD-Men” by a crown of tin foil. These “Ad-Men” were targeting this vegetarian. They had become a vegetarian in order to passively lose weight as well as to have better general health and to protest the Factory Farm Industry. However, soon after making this lifestyle change the citizen noticed that their online ads had suddenly started focusing on exclusively meat. Every time this Maroon logged on to the internet they would see countless ads for exquisite new meat spices, grills, premium passes at elite barbeque competitions. They couldn’t take it. They knew that they were a test subject of the power of the human will in the face of overwhelming temptation. This vegetarian now hunkers in various nooks and crannies of the campus. Their tin crown is all that stands between them and the eyes of the “Ad-Men”. Steamed veggies from Commons are relayed to them by a loyal underground support movement. It will not be enough. The Vegetarian told me this with a sigh. The ads know us. They will find this conscious eater and make them into a martyr. The no-meat consumer told me how they found a decapitated head of cabbage outside their dorm room. A clear message from the “Ad-Men”. The Vegetarian is holding on to their tofu with all their strength but knows that soon they be hogtied and be fed strips of New York Strip steak. Their resistance to the “Ad-Men” is still ongoing. If you see an individual with tinfoil around their head, they ask you not to approach them as they will consider you to be an agent of the “Ad-Men” and will use necessary force to stop you.