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Leggo Her Jade Eggo

DALLAS, TX - NOVEMBER 20: Gwyneth Paltrow attends the goop pop Dallas Launch Party in Highland Park Village on November 20, 2014 in Dallas, Texas. (Photo by Layne Murdoch Jr./Getty Images for goop)

Written by Zoe Manoukian

It is now that time of year when exams are fast approaching, the weather is getting chilly, and students are at their wits’ ends. Many students finds themselves in a disposition of stress, anxiety, and hopelessness. Of course, we all know that doctors recommend exercise in times such as these; however, few stressed students feel compelled to brave the breeze outside when they could curl up and cry in a bed of blankets, snacks, and Netflix. I spoke with sophomore Grace Du’Pré, who has a fascinating solution to this predicament.

“Gwyneth Paltrow’s Jade Egg changed my life!” said Du’Pré, inviting me into her room of incense, succulents, and indie film posters.

In 2008, Paltrow created Goop, a lifestyle company that aids consumers in understanding and nurturing their bodies and spirits. One of their products is the Jade Egg, which should be inserted into the vagina in order for the wearer to amplify their internal power. As per Goop’s website, the egg can be used to “increase vaginal muscle tone, hormonal balance, and feminine energy in general.”

“At first, I was hesitant to buy into this whacky vagina egg situation, but once I realized that I had no time for exercise between finals and my work with the recent school play starring Lorin Brice Hall, I understood that I had no other option. I take this egg with me everywhere I go now, and my life has improved immeasurably by it! Everything I do has a built-in workout, and my libido has never been better!”

Though Du’Pré is a devout supporter of the Jade Egg hullabaloo, the product receives poor reviews and inordinate criticisms from most. Some take issue with the emergence of alternative products that appeal to crunchy young women through the promise of natural wellness with little to know scientific support.

“Have I lost a few friends after this lifestyle change? No. I lost all of my friends. But I don’t care that my peers and America’s modern doctors think of me as a fool for following Gwyneth’s steps! I stand by my Jade Egg ‘til the day I die!”

And Du’Pré meant it. Gynecologists found Du’Pré passed out on the ground floor of the Blue Ridge handicap bathroom after being hit by a cocktail of bacterial infection, toxic shock syndrome, and kegel overload. She is currently regaining strength at Carilion Roanoke Memorial Hospital. She asks for a week of privacy as she seeks guidance from her nurses and feminine energy.