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Bros Before Babes Because The Lads Are Chill


Written by Zoe Manoukian

American football players were recently overheard talking about Valentine’s Day in a Roanoke College locker room.

“You know what blows, man? There’s Valentine’s Day for all the couples, and there’s Galentine’s Day for all the girls. But there’s nothing for us!” Said one athlete. “Yeah man, you’re right! Guys like us never get to do anything fun anymore without either getting in trouble or being called boners!” Affirmed another. “Let’s change that. This year, everything’s gonna be different,” a third shouted over the rattle of a protein shake in the making. I got the honor and privilege to sit down with the former to discuss their evening after the fact. “It was actually pretty nice. We went to Hooters to start and ranked the waitresses, which is always a fun thing to do with the guys. We went out for drinks later on, for a few beers— no one got any fruity girly junk. And then we all came back to mine and watched Titanic, but that’s just ‘cus nothing else was on TV. We would never pick that on our own and it’s not like we cried or something if that’s what you’re thinking. We tried to talk about our feelings when it was over, and…”, I could sense this Brad & Chad becoming vulnerable. “And nothing. We remembered that’s dumb and talked about football again. Male-entine’s Day was really just one sausage fest, alright? It wasn’t gay or something.” Meanwhile, a local gay and local lesbian couple took the night for a double date and affirm that despite the 1:1 male: female ratio, dull dinner conversation, and passé outfit selection, nothing about the evening was “at all straight.”