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The Swipe Out: All Swiped Out

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Written by Shamira James

Here we are, my very last column. I’m not even gonna lie; I’m holding back tears writing that because there’s a complete stranger sitting across from me. I’m sure if I told him why I was crying, though, he would get it. For crying out loud, every experience at Roanoke College I’ve ever had – any class that I’ve been late to, any reading I didn’t do and any meal that I got too out of hand on the fries with – is coming to an end, and that’s a hard pill to swallow. Four years is both not long enough but also just the right amount of time. I’ve made memories in almost every corner of this campus, and whether it pops up as a memory on Snapchat a year from now, or I’m walking home from work one night and something just reminds of it, I know I’ll never, ever forget this place. So, in honor of the last time you’ll read something I TOTALLY DIDN’T write the night before BA layout while sitting in the Trexler computer lab, I’m gonna spill the tea sis:

  1. I sit in the back room because of all the eye candy back there – guys that play sports might suck, but I’ll be DIDDLY darned if they aren’t something good to look at.
  2. If you’ve ever walked past my table and wondered “Were they talking about me?” we probably were, but there’s a 92% chance it wasn’t something mean.
  3. I’m sorry, but assigned seats are something that I don’t think will change. It’s a way to keep order amongst the chaos, but also don’t act like some martyr just because you hate assigned seats. It’s not that deep.
  4. @ ALL SPORTS TEAMS: CLEAN OFF YOUR TABLES AND STOP BEING PIGS!
  5. To any skinny little girl that has brushed past me without saying excuse me, you should know that the good Lord saved you from getting snatched up by your over-dyed hair – SAY EXCUSE ME!
  6. There’s a Commons worker that makes everyone feel uncomfortable and not to be this person, but I hope they don’t have a job here next semester.  
  7. Commons poops are a very real thing, and I’ve been a victim of it my entire four years here.

Thank you Roanoke College and the Brackety-Ack for giving this city mouse a place in the South to call home. It’s been an honor and a pleasure to be the most obnoxious aunty to everyone. Whatever stage you’re at in your four-year journey, for the love of Rooney, make it beautiful, make it iconic and make it count. Ladies and gents, I’m all swiped out.