Written by Zach Dalton
As the school year starts up Roanoke College welcomed in one of its largest freshman class with even larger expectations about things like class time, sports, professors, elevators and many more. After rigorous polling throughout Commons only two things can be confirmed: First, the freshmen class had high expectations for certain things before coming to Roanoke. Second, their expectations quite obscure.
One freshman eagerly stood in front of the Donald Kerr Stadium along with two others ten minutes before the Men’s Soccer try-outs were held. When the time came for the freshmen to take the field, they were shocked to see they were the only three to come out. Turns out the campus only truly cares about European sports if Homestead Creamery brings a truck out.
In another conversation a freshman complained about elevator speeds. Turns out this freshman hails from the land of fast elevators because even Cregger, the fastest one on campus, couldn’t match up to the thrill of an elevator ride.
“I just feel like the elevators should move faster,” Elevator Boy said. “They don’t have to break the sound barrier, but they certainly shouldn’t move like a 93-year-old man trying to get up from the chair for his 70th bathroom trip of the hour.”
Reports say he has yet to wander into Life Science’s elevator. Best advice for him is to go to Disney World . . . They have fast elevators.
In a true act of comedy, one freshman came early to his Wednesday 8:30 class eager to start his academics. As he sipped on whatever he made this morning he soon realized that class had started. “We were all just sitting there and kind of gave each other a look.” At that moment he was faced with a decision: should he crack a joke or inform the class that they’re legally allowed to leave after 15 minutes if the professor doesn’t show up? The Eager Beaver went with the former and called out “Bueller” three times in a monotone voice.
“I don’t even know who this Bueller kid is, but my high school teacher did it once and he was pretty funny,” he stated. A few class members chuckled, and Eager Beaver beamed with pride. “That’s definitely the highlight of my freshman year so far,” he recounted fondly. “The professor never showed up and we had a sub on the first day, so I guess that was disappointing.”
There were plenty of other things the students were disappointed by, but they were all relatable and don’t make for funny comments.